That Looks Like A Story

They say that every picture is worth a thousand words, and lately, that's the path my writing has been taking. I see a photo, I get an idea for a story, and I work like the dickens to write it down. My short stories tend toward the scifi, fantasy, and supernatural genres. Tell me what you think of my stories—good, bad, or indifferent—I like to be critiqued.

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Location: Edmonds, Washington, United States

I'm a 47yo white male in a long term gay relationship. Family is the most important thing to me and I make sure that my family has what it needs to survive. My hobby is board game design and my company, Clever Mojo Games, has published one game so far.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Swamp Mist (986 words)


Swamp Mist
By W. David MacKenzie

Steve crawled out of the small tent, twisting and stretching as he stood up and breathed the invigorating aroma of swamp and coffee. Jeff held out a cup and Steve took a long drink of the steaming brew and gagged.

“Dang, Jeff, I’d forgotten how bad a cook you are. This is awful!”

“Ya, it is,” Jeff agreed. “But it’s the best damned coffee for fifty miles around.” Steve just grunted and took another drink then went to get his gear.

Jeff had scored a coveted permit to bag two alligators in the Everglades and now, camped on the edge of the swamp and staring into the gator's home territory, they were eager to get started. The sun had cleared the trees but the morning mist was still rising from the murky wetlands like a translucent curtain that blurred the scraggly pines and muted the already dull colors of the swamp.

“So, do we have a game plan?” asked Steve dejectedly. “Do we have to wait for this mist to burn off?”

Jeff looked out over the swamp and frowned. He was about to tell Steve it would be safer to wait when he spotted something moving a hundred yards or so off to their right. It was walking very slowly toward the swamp. It…that was the only label Jeff’s mind could grasp onto and he just pointed.

“Oh My God” Steve breathed, “I can't believe it. It's a Skunk Ape!”

Jeff pulled his eyes away from the shambling creature and looked at Steve incredulously. “What the hell is a Skunk Ape?”

“You damned Yankee! Sasquatch, Bigfoot, Skunk Ape...they're all the same.” Steve hurriedly patted his pockets and pouches in search of his digital camera but came up empty. “Damn! I forgot my camera.”

“Camera?” Jeff spat and swung his rifle up to his shoulder. “Who needs a camera when we've got these?” He took aim and forced his breathing to steady. He wasn’t sure he could kill it from this distance but he’d sure as hell wound the monster. Jeff squeezed the trigger but at the last moment Steve thrust out his arm and pushed the rifle up sharply. The shot went way above the creature’s head and, alerted to the hunters’ presence, it lumbered with a bit more speed toward the safety of the swamp.

“Why the hell did you do that?” Jeff exploded.

“You can't shoot it. What if it's the last one?”

“To hell with that. Do you know how rich we're gonna be when we bring back a real Bigfoot? Proof, Steve!” Jeff studied the beast for a few moments then started jogging toward it, hoping to get a better shot at it before it moved into the misty swamp. “Look at it move,” he called back to Steve. “It's limping. It's already injured. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!” Steve wasn't convinced that this was the right thing to do but he wasn't going to stay behind either. He slung the rifle over his shoulder and ran after Jeff and the Bigfoot.

The tall hairy figure reached the boggy shore ahead of the hunters and plunged into the mist and muck. At the edge of the morass Jeff and Steve launched themselves into the water. They were soaked up to their thighs and their feet battled with the mud as they slogged through but they kept the Bigfoot’s shape in sight and Jeff again fired off another round. An unearthly wail pierced the mist.

“Got him!” cried Jeff as he reached a hummock and pulled himself out of the water. It wasn't down yet, though. Jeff took another bead on the Bigfoot and fired. The eerie cry sounded again as the beast fell into a shallow bog with a soft splash.

The stench assailed them as they eased closer to the fallen beast. “God, it stinks!”

Steve dropped his rifle and waved his hand in front of his face as if that meager breeze could drive off the sulfur-like smell. “They don't call it a Skunk Ape for nothin'.”

“Hey, be careful.” Jeff called as Steve knelt down to examine the Bigfoot.

“You're a good shot.” Steve said pointing to the blood oozing from the gaping wound in the creature's head. “He's dead.” Steve ran his hands over the contours of its face. It wasn't human, and it wasn't quite like a chimp or gorilla either, but Steve could see something that told him this creature wasn't just a dumb animal.

“This is friggin' AMAZING!” Jeff said excitedly. “We're gonna be famous!”

Steve found another wound on the Bigfoot, not a gunshot, more like a ragged tear that ran down the length of its thigh. He pushed the fur aside and found several shards of yellow plastic. “I think he was hit by a car before we spotted him.” Steve said as he picked a piece of plastic out of the fur and turned to show Jeff. “That would explain the limp....” Steve's voice trailed off as he looked up at Jeff, then his eyes went wide.

Jeff heard the low rumbling sound behind him and in one fluid motion he spun around and brought his rifle to his shoulder but he wasn’t fast enough. The impossibly tall Bigfoot that stood behind him swung a huge hairy arm down on Jeff's shoulder shattering his collarbone. Jeff cried out in pain and fell to his knees beside Steve.

The two men huddled together as more shapes emerged from the mist. Soon half-a-dozen Skunk Apes surrounded them. Their leader squatted down, picked up the fallen rifle by the barrel and raised it high over it's head like a club.

The screams didn't last long but they woke a nearby alligator. The reptile launched its twelve-foot body into the swamp with a speed that belied it's size and swam quietly off to find a more peaceful spot for it's mid-morning nap.


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Story Copyright 2005 W. David MacKenzie
Photo Copyright 2005 Jim Damaske
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11 Comments:

Blogger WDavid said...

Author's Note: This story ran a little long...almost 1500 words. I could have shortened it down by chopping out some of the "pre encounter" rigamarole, but I like it in there, so it stays for now. :-)

12/30/2005 10:20 PM  
Blogger PeggySueO said...

It was interesting...think I like the other two better.

Editing Remark: repeated words

Steve found another wound on Skunk Ape's leg, not a gunshot wound, more like a ragged tear that ran down the length of the length of it's thigh.

12/31/2005 12:18 AM  
Blogger Ruth said...

It's a good story. Interesting plot. Yes, ran longer than your limit. If you keep it here you need to shorten it. Yes, there was the error Peggy caught and there were several other proofing errors which should have been caught prior to publishing.

12/31/2005 5:47 AM  
Blogger WDavid said...

Thanks for your feedback. I'll proof it today and see if I can pare it down a bit.

12/31/2005 6:03 AM  
Blogger WDavid said...

Ok, I've edited it, trimmed it, and dropped everything was wasn't really necessary...986 words. Yeah! Let me know what you think.

12/31/2005 8:23 AM  
Blogger PeggySueO said...

I like it better. The stuff you took out was more like if you had been trying to develop the story into a book to me...it was more like background information and character development.

12/31/2005 10:49 AM  
Blogger Ruth said...

Yes, much better after editing. If you ever expand it into something more, you can put the guys fun and games back in.

12/31/2005 11:22 AM  
Blogger Fred MacKenzie said...

Yeah! More dead bodies!

Just read the story, so missed all that other stuff you guys are talking about.

Personally, I would leave out the part about the skunk ape being hit by a car. It leaves a loose end that is not resolved in the story. Wouldn't somebody else have come looking to see what they hit? Since it was limping it probably could not have run away from the driver of the car. It just leaves too many what ifs. I think the story would hold up just fine without the limp and without the mention of the car incident.

I know any photo can inspire any story but I was just wondering if the Florida everglades have trees like that nearby.

12/31/2005 2:07 PM  
Blogger Ruth said...

There are certainly pine trees in the everglades and with that mist, who can say what type of pines these particular ones are?

12/31/2005 2:56 PM  
Blogger PeggySueO said...

Perhaps Fred has missed his calling in his life to be an editor. He is really good at this stuff.

12/31/2005 4:21 PM  
Blogger Fred MacKenzie said...

Thanks ma, I really have no idea what the everglades look like, so I was just wondering.

1/01/2006 1:56 PM  

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