Writeriffic: Lesson 2.1
Since there was no lesson 1 assignment I skipped ahead to work on lesson 2's assignment. This assignment provided us with five opening lines. We were to pick one and write a 300 word story with a twist ending. The assignment said we should limit our writing time to 5 minutes. HUH? This story took me two hours! What am I doing wrong?
My opening line was: Mary was “fed up” with Bob and...
Invention
By W. David MacKenzie
297 Words
Mary was “fed up” with Bob and his inventions. Every week it was something new and every one was a flop or an outright hazard. An electricity-saving windup carving knife replaced their plug-in model until it nearly lopped off Mary’s fingers when her bracelet jammed in the clockwork gears. A turbo-powered vacuum cleaner with a head as wide as the hallway would have shaved minutes off the time she spent on housework but sucked up and shredded a beautiful oriental rug instead. Motion-sensing motors were supposed to open the window shades, automatically brightening the living room whenever Mary entered, but when she raced from the shower to catch the ringing phone this morning she gave the paperboy an early education in human anatomy. That had been the last straw. That was when she had called the divorce lawyer.
Now, back from her initial consultation, Mary dreaded opening the front door, feared the piles of well intentioned but hopelessly flawed gadgets and doodads that littered the house like the mechanical droppings of a robotic elephant. Steeling herself against the chaos within, Mary plodded into the house, paused a moment in the foyer, then stepped outside again to double check the house numbers nailed to the doorjamb. Mystified, Mary crossed the threshold again and looked around in wonder. The obstacle course that had been their living room was once again a comfortably furnished parlor. Every busted widget and pointless gizmo had vanished.
“Bob?”
The kitchen door swung open and her husband hurried to her side. He pecked a kiss onto Mary’s cheek. The savory aroma of grilling steaks surrounded him and made Mary’s stomach growl in anticipation.
“What happened?” Mary asked, waving her hands around the spotless house.
Bob smiled. “I decided to invent a better me.”
My opening line was: Mary was “fed up” with Bob and...
Invention
By W. David MacKenzie
297 Words
Mary was “fed up” with Bob and his inventions. Every week it was something new and every one was a flop or an outright hazard. An electricity-saving windup carving knife replaced their plug-in model until it nearly lopped off Mary’s fingers when her bracelet jammed in the clockwork gears. A turbo-powered vacuum cleaner with a head as wide as the hallway would have shaved minutes off the time she spent on housework but sucked up and shredded a beautiful oriental rug instead. Motion-sensing motors were supposed to open the window shades, automatically brightening the living room whenever Mary entered, but when she raced from the shower to catch the ringing phone this morning she gave the paperboy an early education in human anatomy. That had been the last straw. That was when she had called the divorce lawyer.
Now, back from her initial consultation, Mary dreaded opening the front door, feared the piles of well intentioned but hopelessly flawed gadgets and doodads that littered the house like the mechanical droppings of a robotic elephant. Steeling herself against the chaos within, Mary plodded into the house, paused a moment in the foyer, then stepped outside again to double check the house numbers nailed to the doorjamb. Mystified, Mary crossed the threshold again and looked around in wonder. The obstacle course that had been their living room was once again a comfortably furnished parlor. Every busted widget and pointless gizmo had vanished.
“Bob?”
The kitchen door swung open and her husband hurried to her side. He pecked a kiss onto Mary’s cheek. The savory aroma of grilling steaks surrounded him and made Mary’s stomach growl in anticipation.
“What happened?” Mary asked, waving her hands around the spotless house.
Bob smiled. “I decided to invent a better me.”
posted by WDavid | 6/21/2006 04:28:00 PM
5 Comments:
So I guess the divorce is off, huh?
Maybe what took you so long to write this was having to come up with all those gadget inventions. Cute story though.
I like it alot.
5 minutes must be a typo. That is 1 word per second for 5 minutes to reach 300 words. You can't even copy 300 words in 5 minutes!
And the best part is that no one had to die to get a good story. :-)
Here are the comments from the instructor and my classmates.
RII writes: Hi WDavid. I love your piece--incredibly sweet. Nicely done. Thanks for the smile.
Your Instructor writes: Bob sounds like the ultimate efficiency expert, WDavid. And what a cute ending. You had me saying "awww" out loud, I was so relieved. Loved the line about giving the paperboy an anatomy lesson. Great start to the class. Eva
Hazel writes: Hi WDavid. What a great piece. I especially liked the bit about the paperboy. Very nicely written and great use of verbiage. I could definitely form the image of a confusing and disorganized house bloated with tons of broken gadgets. Well done!
Chele writes: This was super. I could easily feel Mary's frustration. I loved the scene with the paperboy as well, ACK!
Jason writes: I admit, the paperboy part made me smile. Plus it had a clever and happy ending which is always good...at least I hope she doesn't go through with the divorce!!!
Peg writes: Love it... a word adventure for sure.
Michele writes: I liked it. Agreeing with general consensus, the paperboy line was great. XD You have a way of adding description unrelated to appearence that I can't seem to manage. I'll have to study your work and learn how!
Teresa writes: Hi, WDavid, After being in the Beginner's Writing Class with you, I would definitely say that you are developing your writer's voice. I loved your story and read it to my family. We all had a good chuckle. Great job!
Marilyn writes: Wonderful David. I agree with all the above and enjoyed the smile at the end too. Your writing is clear and certainly gives one a picture. Perhaps you can work on putting more dialogue in your work. But I really loved your piece.
mark writes: its the little extras that give such subtle detail to a story..you did a great job...house numbers nailed to the doorjamb....comfortably furnished parlor....seemingly simple but effective
Vickie writes: I loved the paperboy part too, and the fact that she had to look at the house numbers to make sure she was in the right realm.. nice story that ended just the way I love.. happily... :)
Cindy writes: Very good story. You've written before, haven't you? Great description. I watched the story play out in my mind.
janice writes: Very good attention to detail. You have a great voice and your story seems to unfold effortlessly. Nicely done.
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