Choosing Powerful Words
For this assignment we were to re-write the sentences to make them powerful, vivid, and unique without becoming cliche, melodramatic, or overwritten. My before and afters are below.
BEFORE: There were so many winding curves as I drove in the blazingly bright orange sunlit glare of the everlasting road that I was utterly exhausted by the endless ordeal and thought I might faint if given half the chance.
AFTER: The road snaked endlessly through the sun-tortured badlands.
---
BEFORE: The leaves were red.
AFTER: Crimson and scarlet and burgundy splashed across the late summer mountainside.
---
BEFORE: That horrible tornado was like a raging bull charging a red cape so it could blast everything we owned to smithereens once and for all.
AFTER: Mechanical, inevitable, and somehow sentient, the tornado bore down on our farm as we raced for the storm cellar.
---
BEFORE: John thought Jane was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, and he knew he would love her forever.
AFTER: Their eyes met for a moment as they scanned the crowded room from opposite corners, then her glance moved on. In that heartbeat John’s life changed forever.
BEFORE: There were so many winding curves as I drove in the blazingly bright orange sunlit glare of the everlasting road that I was utterly exhausted by the endless ordeal and thought I might faint if given half the chance.
AFTER: The road snaked endlessly through the sun-tortured badlands.
---
BEFORE: The leaves were red.
AFTER: Crimson and scarlet and burgundy splashed across the late summer mountainside.
---
BEFORE: That horrible tornado was like a raging bull charging a red cape so it could blast everything we owned to smithereens once and for all.
AFTER: Mechanical, inevitable, and somehow sentient, the tornado bore down on our farm as we raced for the storm cellar.
---
BEFORE: John thought Jane was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, and he knew he would love her forever.
AFTER: Their eyes met for a moment as they scanned the crowded room from opposite corners, then her glance moved on. In that heartbeat John’s life changed forever.
posted by WDavid | 5/16/2006 08:47:00 PM
6 Comments:
Here are the instrictor's rewritten sentences...
1. The glaring white highway had wound back and forth in tight curves for sixty weary miles. The chance to sleep was still a hundred miles away.
2. An autumn breeze rustled the burgundy leaves on my ninety-year-old oak.
3. The full force of the tornado blasted the roof off the house and blew everything we owned over a two block radius.
4. When Jane swung her head back to see what John wanted, he captured her smiling glance with one click of his old Polaroid camera. "Will you marry me?" he called after her.
I don't think the instructor's revisions are any better than your own.
Here are the comments I received on my sentence rewrites...
BG writes: Your submissions were extremely different than any other's I've read. Very interesting but I had to look up the word sentient. Good word by the way. I liked #4 the best though......there's a whole untold story there.
Your Instructor--Ann writes: The effort to make each of these sentences vivid and powerful is what makes this challenging assignment worthwhile, so I always refrain from critiquing them. However I’m glad to tell you my favorite. It’s #3.
Vee writes: I loved no 2....just a few words painted a vivid picture. No 4 was great too...could be the start of a book!
Mame writes: I liked #1. In less than 10 words you set a very specific and even dangerous feeling scene.
I liked #3 and #4 the best. I agree with Mom that the instructor's weren't any better than yours.
I like #3 & #4 best. I don't think #1 is vivid and powerful enough. It's a great description of the road, but the original also describes the drivers experience, which you didn't.
I actually liked #2 best, myself, though #4 seems to have an "untold story" implied. I'm not the "romance" writer though, so I don't know if it will ever get told.
As for #1, Fred's right, I didn't incorporate all of the aspects of the original sentence. I think I didn't grasp the lesson completely until I went back and read the re-writes of theother students, but by then it was too late to change my own post.
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