That Looks Like A Story

They say that every picture is worth a thousand words, and lately, that's the path my writing has been taking. I see a photo, I get an idea for a story, and I work like the dickens to write it down. My short stories tend toward the scifi, fantasy, and supernatural genres. Tell me what you think of my stories—good, bad, or indifferent—I like to be critiqued.

My Photo
Name:
Location: Edmonds, Washington, United States

I'm a 47yo white male in a long term gay relationship. Family is the most important thing to me and I make sure that my family has what it needs to survive. My hobby is board game design and my company, Clever Mojo Games, has published one game so far.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

My Creative Piece

The end goal of the writing class it to produce a 500 word creative piece that shows we've learned the lessons on form, style, and technique. This is my creative piece. It'll need some editing, I'm sure, but I wanted to run it by my familial critics first. Yes, it's my usual blend of death and destruction. :-) Let me know what you think and what needs to be changed.

==========

Reckoning

At the touch of a button, the scene through the binoculars snapped into focus and glowing numbers displayed the distance to the target and the degrees off north, but those precision readings didn’t concern him. He was far enough away to avoid injury and close enough to enjoy the mayhem to come.

A preschooler pressed his face against the glass partition as the ice cream artist behind the counter swirled the hand-blended ice cream mixture around on the chilled slab. With a wrist-twisting flourish that was almost too fast to see, she scooped the entire concoction onto her mixing blade and slid it into a chocolate-rimmed waffle cone. She handed the treat across the counter to the boy's mother and the woman led the boy out of the shop and out of his field of vision.

The watcher reached one hand into his jacket and retrieved a cell phone. He thumbed the 2 key then hovered this thumb over the SEND button. Through the binoculars, a dark suited man stepped up to the counter and started to place his order. The watcher pressed SEND and held the phone to his ear as the ring tone began.

In the shop, the man held up his hand to interrupt the girl and fumbled briefly in his suit pocket before producing his own cell phone. He studied it briefly then stepped out of line and moved toward the store’s front window as he brought the phone to his ear.

A click, then a voice in the watcher’s ear. "Agent Hawkins speaking, who is this?” The watcher said nothing and within three heartbeats he had control of the conversation. “I repeat, who are you?”

“The first rule we were taught at Quantico, Agent Hawkins, was to avoid routines.” The watcher’s voice was calm, monotone. “To maintain set routines, predictable schedules, was to become vulnerable.” The operative watched through the binoculars as Hawkins raked his fingers through his hair.

“What do you want?”

“To admonish you for visiting that ice cream shop every Thursday for the last month. Instructor Burke would be quite disappointed in his star pupil.” The watcher pressed the END button.

In the magnified display, Hawkins threw down his phone and began gesticulating at the other patrons in the shop. The doors flew open and he pushed screaming mothers, teens, and grandparents out into the sunny afternoon.

As the sounds of the fleeing crowd reached the watcher on the rooftop a block away, he lowered the binoculars and enjoyed the unassisted view. He thumbed the 3 key on the cell phone, and pressed SEND.

The ice cream shop erupted in waves of fire, smoke, and thunder.

The watcher smiled, then took a planner from his pocket and opened it. A photo of five youthful agents posed comically in front of the FBI training facility in Quantico, Virginia was clipped to one page. He drew an X over the face of one of the agents in training then returned the planner to his pocket and walked away.

5 Comments:

Blogger Ruth said...

It's a good start for a new story. I've sent you my grammatical suggestions via email. Let us know what reviews it gets in class.

5/18/2006 4:25 AM  
Blogger WDavid said...

Hi Mom...Thanks for the grammatical suggestions. I worked them inand made a few other changes as well.

Now I'm wondering if maybe this guy is the same guy from my scorpion story. If so, I'll need to rewrite it in first person.

What do you think?

5/18/2006 6:27 AM  
Blogger PeggySueO said...

I just got a little confused at the end where he threw down his phone. I thought he went running from the place until I got to the part where he "x"ed him out of the picture, then I figured he was pushing people out of the ice cream shop. I had to go back and reread it. Maybe I'm a little slow.

5/19/2006 8:54 AM  
Blogger Fred MacKenzie said...

Good story but I got a little confused too. It seemed like the agent had enough time to leave the shop, so the watcher crosing him off his list didn't feel right.

Spelling typo: "He thumbed the 2 key then hovered this thumb over the SEND button." Should the word "this" be "his" instead?

5/20/2006 7:41 PM  
Blogger WDavid said...

Hi All...Thanks for the comments and feedback. I'm in the middle of a re-write that will clear up all the confusion. It will also run substantially over 500 words, but thaqt's just the way it needs to be to make it a complete and clear story. When I've completed the re-write I'll post it in a new message so you can see both versions and compare them. Perhaps there's something you'll like better in the old one that got left out of the new one. We'll see.

5/20/2006 8:27 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home